Diary of a Mad Shipper
by pupeez4eva
Summary: "Grayson often takes a paternal (maternal?) role in regards to me — residual feelings from his time as my guardian, or a sense of responsibility/affection towards his lover's child?" - Wherein Damian secretly ships various members of the Batfamily, and keeps his little fanboy thoughts hidden away in a diary. And then the Batfam find that diary. Oh dear.


**AN:**

 **Before you start reading, this story does have hints of Bruce/Dick, and Jason/Tim, although it's there more for humorous purposes than anything, and don't actually make an appearance in the story, except in Damian's warped perspective xD**

 **You can take it either way really - you can take it as a slash fic, or you can interpret it as a gen fic, with Damian just having a seriously weird perspective on things.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

It all began when Tim found Damian's diary.

The two had been arguing all week (no surprise there), and then Damian had found _Tim's_ diary, read it out for the whole family to hear, and had then proceeded to throw it into the fire place.

Ever since then Tim had been on a warpath, so it was no surprise that he stood here now, a wide, almost manic grin stretched across his face, and a small red book clutched in his hands. Personally, Dick didn't think it was worth all the fuss — there hadn't even been anything terrible in there — but he supposed that diaries _were_ supposed to be private, and Damian had broken some unspoken code by reading it at all, let alone showing it to the entire family.

Also, he couldn't help but be surprised that Damian even _had_ a diary. It'd didn't seem like the type encouraged in the League of Assassins.

"Ha!" Tim crowed, waving the book around. "I was right — I _knew_ the little demon kept a diary!"

"Put that away Tim," Bruce sighed, looking exhausted. Dick didn't blame him. Jason had been spending more time at the manor (Dick was pretty sure it had something to do with Alfred), and while that was definitely a good thing, having Jason, Tim and Damian together under one roof didn't always lead to the most stable situations.

"Shut up old man!" Jason yelled (okay, having Bruce and Jason under the same roof definitely didn't help either). "Let him read the damn thing!"

He sounded positively gleeful, and Dick couldn't help but feel that something _bad_ was approaching. He had a pretty good feel for these things — you needed to be in his line of work — and later, he'd wish he'd done something to stop Tim. Like maybe grabbing that damn book, and tossing it out the kitchen window (he'd make it up to Little D later, maybe with ice cream).

However, at this point Dick did not have this hindsight, and he did nothing.

Tim opened the book, his eyes scanning the page. Dick watched as a moment passed, and then another. Then, Tim's gleeful expression changed, first to one of confusion, and then to a look of sheer disbelief.

"Tim?" Dick questioned, his brow furrowed.

Again, that feeling of _'something is seriously wrong here, abort, ABORT!'_ was strong.

"What…the hell is this?" Tim choked.

Bruce and Dick stared at him in confusion, while Jason shifted impatiently in his seat.

"Hurry up, Replacement!" he snapped. "What does it say?"

Tim ignored Jason, and continued to gape at the book. "Oh my god. No way, this can't be — no _way."_

"Replacement, shut the fuck up and tell us what you found!"

"Tim?" Bruce prompted, sounding a mix of concerned and confused.

"He — he — " Tim shook his head. "Oh my god, I can't." He handed the diary to Dick, still shaking his head. Dick accepted it, his brow furrowed, and looked down at the open page. Jason and Bruce peered over his shoulder.

Dick scanned the page, and his eyes widened in disbelief.

And horror. Oh yeah, there was definitely horror.

Observations of Grayson and Father's relationship

 _ **1\. Continue to share Batman duties, despite Father being back for good. I can't help but notice that this holds semblance to a marital relationship; just as a married couple would share their assets and duties, Father and Grayson continue to share the role of Batman. This is particular significant as Batman is immensely important, not just to Father, but to the entire 'family'.**_

 _ **2\. Both sharing the Batman mantle: both taking up a leading role in family, and yet sharing it, as equals. More support for metaphorical marriage?**_

 _ **3\. Grayson often takes a paternal (maternal?) role in regards to me — residual feelings from his time as my guardian, or a sense of responsibility/affection towards his lover's child?**_

Bruce, who had previously been tiredly sipping his morning coffee, spat it all over the table.

No one really noticed, or cared.

"Wha — huh?" Bruce choked, and if Dick wasn't so shocked/confused/horrified himself, he would have reminded himself to congratulate Damian the next time he saw him. It took a special person to reduce Batman to a stuttering mess.

At the moment, Dick felt like a stuttering mess himself, so that wasn't really an option.

"He can't be serious, right?" Tim said. "This is a joke — right?"

No one answered.

"Dickhead — turn the page. Now," Jason ordered, after a substantial amount of time spent gawking.

A large part of Dick _really_ didn't want to do that, but a smaller part — and the part that ultimately won over, for some strange reason — wanted to know what the hell else Damian had written. Besides, he needed something to do that prevented him from looking in Bruce's direction, because right now _(seriously, metaphorical marriage, WHAT?)_ he didn't think he could look at the older man and not mentally implode.

Dick warily turned the page, while the rest of his family (including his _adoptive father, the man who had raised him for a large portion of his life, Damian what the hell?!)_ peered over his shoulder.

 _ **Father is particular affectionate with Grayson. Today he placed his hand on Grayson's back, and did not remove it for a substantial period of time. Father also allows Grayson's hugs. Father typically does not tolerate such affection, which brings up the question — why Grayson? Possibly, because it is simply in Grayson's nature, and he is annoyingly insistent, but it does bring up another possibility.**_

 _ **I believe that it is due to unresolved sexual tension (as Fatgirl likes to say when reading her annoying romance novels). Father probably cannot bring himself to truly express his feelings for Grayson, and therefore turns to the only forms of physical contact that partially fulfil his desires, and yet still allow him to hide his true feelings.**_

"Just close the damn book."

Dick complied, and stared numbly into the distance.

"This is just too good," Jason breathed, and Dick felt the sudden urge to punch him in the face.

"Jason," Bruce growled.

Dick meanwhile stared numbly at the book in his hands, wondering what the hell was going on. If it were anyone else, he'd wonder if this was one huge prank; however, it was _Damian,_ and Damian did not joke around. Ever. Which meant that every horrific word in that horrific book was 100%, horrifically true, and Dick just _couldn't wrap his head around that._

Why the _hell_ would Damian think there was anything going on between him and Bruce? And _where_ had he learnt the phrase 'sexual tension'? (Oh yeah, from Steph apparently — Dick would have to get her back for that).

"Oh fucking hell Dickie, turn the damn page!" Jason yelled. "I need more of this!"

"How…how the hell can he think…?" Dick swallowed. "He doesn't actually _believe_ this stuff, does he?"

(Okay, so maybe he'd accepted that Damian didn't joke around, but that didn't mean he couldn't cling to those last threads of hope for just a bit longer).

Jason, clearly unable to wait any longer, reached down, and snatched the book from Dick. He flipped through the pages, ignoring Dick's cry of protest.

"Okay, let's see what the little Demon's cooked up next. Hey, maybe we'll have enough ammunition to give the old man an aneurysm — wait, _what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!_ Replacement and I do _not_ show signs of 'suppressed romantic feelings.'"

 _"WHAT?!"_ Tim shrieked.

Maybe he was dreaming — that was a possibility right? Maybe this was one huge, whacked-up dream, and he'd be waking up anytime now to a normal, sane world, where his little brothers argued, and Bruce glared and brooded, and Damian did _not_ secretly ship various members of their family together.

"This is bullshit!" Jason spat. _"Todd's recent presence at the manor seems to coincide with Drake's, bringing up the question — is Todd's sudden (and unwanted) return due to his feelings for Drake?"_

Tim squeaked in distress.

 _"No_ you fucking moron, it's because Alfred bribes me with his coking, and Replacement just happens to be here!"

Tim (now standing near Jason, and peering frantically over his shoulder), let out a choked sound of disbelief. "He can't be serious," he groaned. _"Todd and Drake's constant bickering mirrors conversation patterns in many of Fatgirl's YA romance novels"_ — what the hell Damian, _no_ they don't! We argue! Arguing is normal for two people who don't like each other very much!"

Jason nodded frantically. "There are no 'suppressed feelings' dammit! I feel _nothing_ for Replacement! I feel nothing for _anyone_ in this family, and _oh my god I'm going to kill that brat!"_

Neither Jason nor Tim looked completely stable at the moment, and Bruce looked almost eerily calm (Dick _really_ didn't want to know what was going through his mind right now), so Dick stood up and grabbed the diary, fully intending to toss it out the nearest window.

Somehow he ended up turning the page.

 _ **Surprisingly, Drake and Todd's relationship makes the most sense out of any of the other's, even more so than Grayson and Father's. I believe that Todd, upon his arrival at the manor, held romantic feelings for Father (similar to the one's Grayson most likely had, which have developed into more serious affections now). These residual feelings most likely affected his feelings for Drake — notice that Drake tries to mirror Father's behaviour these days. He fails drastically, but I suppose he should receive points for trying to improve his ghastly, irritating persona. Perhaps these supposed similarities have dredged up the feelings Todd once felt for Father.**_

 _ **In Drake's case, it is very similar. Drake held Todd on a pedestal when he first arrived, which could perhaps explain his present feelings for Todd. Drake has already displayed homosexual tendencies (past relationship with the Clone?) so —**_

Before Dick could read anymore, the book was suddenly snatched from his hands. He turned, expecting it to be Jason, and was surprised to see Bruce standing there, his jaw clenched.

"How the _hell_ did I not know about this?" the older man snarled, flipping through the pages.

Dick shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, Bruce — "

"Stop doing that, I can't read the damn thing!" Jason snarled. "What the fuck else has he written about us?!"

"I can't believe this," Tim muttered. "This is just too weird."

 _"Way_ too weird!" Jason agreed, nodding frantically. "Why the hell would I ever have feelings for _you?"_

"And you think I have feelings for you?" Tim shot back.

 _"Yes!_ Brat's right, you did get all hero-worship-y when you first arrived. Stole my mantle, probably have a bunch of creepy, stalker-photos hidden away somewhere — "

"I do _not!_ But hey, I bet he's right about you having feelings for Bruce!"

Bruce's eye twitched.

"Shut the hell up!"

"Oh no — I bet you had all these feelings for him, and if you just give me that book, I'm sure Damian will discuss it in _way_ more detail — "

"Give me that fucking book and we'll see what he has to say about your 'suppressed feelings' for _Dickhead!"_

"Hey!" Dick snapped. "Leave me out of this!"

(Because it was bad enough with _Bruce,_ and there was no way in hell he wanted to add his baby brother to the list of people-he-never-wanted-to-look-in-the-eyes-ever-again).

"Enough!" Bruce growled, and surprisingly enough, both Jason and Tim quietened.

"We need to do something about this," Dick told Bruce. "He's obviously got the wrong idea."

"You don't ned to tell me that," Bruce snorted.

Bruce had placed the book on the table, and Tim warily flicked to a random page.

"Don't touch that book, it's toxic," Dick muttered.

"Oh great," Tim grumbled, "now he ships Cass and Steph. Apparently 'contrasting personalities seem to be the foundation of relationships in this family, and — okay look, I'm not even going to finish this."

He shut the book, and took a step back, glaring at it.

Jason snorted. "Well at least that makes sense. Of course your only girlfriend would turn out to be a lesbian."

Tim glared.

Bruce sighed. "We'll put the book away," he said, sounding exhausted. "Dick, when Damian gets back, you can talk to him — "

 _"Me?! You_ are his father!"

Okay, on any other occasion he'd be thrilled — Bruce may be back now, but he couldn't just turn off those paternal feelings he'd developed for Damian during Bruce's absence — but right now, there was _no way in hell._ Bruce could deal with this. It was probably his fault anyway — there's no way Talia's parenting could have prompted these thoughts.

(Then again, knowing her, she probably wrote fan fiction about her and Bruce in her spare time).

"Fine," Bruce snapped. "How about we _both_ talk to him, and…" He paused. "…Never mind."

...

Tim put the book back where he found it, and he and Jason decided that either Dick or Bruce would deal with the situation. Dick decided Bruce would talk to Damian. Bruce decided Dick would handle it.

In the end, no one said anything to Damian.

Tim and Jason _did_ make an effort to reduce their bickering, at least around Damian, and Dick tried to hold back on shows of physical affection.

If they'd looked in the diary again, they would have seen the latest issue:

 ** _"…Drake and Todd's constant arguments seemed to have reduced drastically, and Grayson's shows of physical affection towards Father also seem to have reduced significantly. Perhaps a sign that these feelings are no longer suppressed…?"_ **


End file.
